DON'T say: (because it means . . . )

DO say: (because it means . . . )

How many times do I have to tell you?
(You have a lousy memory and a bad attitude. I have to nag you.)

I should only have to tell you one time.
(You have a good memory and can follow directions. You are a responsible kid.)

WHY did you do that?
(That was pre-meditated misbehavior and your purpose was to do something wrong.)

How are you going to solve this problem?
(We all make mistakes, but we also have the ability to make things right)

. . . and I mean it!
(THIS time, But I didn't really mean it earlier, and feel free to ignore me next time.)

Say what you have to say - ONCE.
(I mean what I say to you the first time I say it.)

Okay?
(Raise voice at end, accent 2nd syllable) (You don 't really have to listen to me. Unless you want to. Is that OK with you?)

Thank you.
(Lower voice at end, accent 1st syllable) (I expect you to do as 1 ask, without either arguing or resistance.)

What is the matter with you?
(There is something wrong with you, but even 1 can't tell you what it is.)

You've broken a rule. The consequence is ...
(You know the right way to act and you've chosen to misbehave. You are responsible.)

Why can't you kids ever get along? I can't leave you alone for a minute!
(You don't have the ability to get along, and I don't expect it of you. You need me to solve your problems.)

The two of you can sit on the sofa until you have a plan. I know you can solve this.
(You are capable of coming up with a solution that you both can live with. You don't need me to solve your problems.)

Don't talk to me that way!
(I can't control you, but I sure can whine about it)

What I'd like to hear you say is " . . . . "
(I am your teacher and your coach. I'l1 model for you the polite way to communicate.)

The underlying message to these statements is:
You are a bad kid. You're not responsible for changing your behavior.

Your child's typical response is:
To become defensive, tune you out, continue misbehaving.

The underlying message to these statements is:
You are a good kid. You are capable of improving your behavior.

Your child's typical response is:
To cooperate with a positive attitude